I’m wondering though is anyone else struggling to understand why things are the way they are? Unless there is a miracle tonight, I’ll go back as exhausted as I left. Tomorrow I go back to work – I was hoping that I’d be well-rested. ![]() What plan could this be, God? Why? What purpose when life is already so challenging? Trying to trust that this season of sleeplessness is part of the plan. I’m afraid of what will happen if this continues. Sorry, I’m fixated on the sleep thing – it just seems so important, vital, life-giving. Why does sleep, rest and peace still feel impossible? I remember now.Īll things are possible with Him. Am I truly that tired that I don’t remember the hope? I fall in fear, in failure, in fatigue.Īnd I think, wasn’t it just last week? What did I even write about? What did God lay on my broken sometimes healing heart? What did He reveal to me about Himself that brought me such hope? I don’t have the faintest idea. Falling on my knees…not how I want to fall…in prayer. Because I can’t seem to figure out how to walk this path gracefully, without stumbling. And not sleeping has so many repercussions…mentally, emotionally, physically, vocationally, and spiritually.Īnd then I wonder, is it all spiritual? Is it because I’ve lost my focus on Jesus? Because I’ve let the cares of this world overwhelm me? Because the weight of my own failures feels too great to carry. I pray harder.īut things don’t get better. I don’t have a spiritually astute solution. ![]() Thinking about oil changes, car batteries, tire rotations, and brake pads.Īnd in the middle of the night, it makes my body toss and turn and my head hurt and my chest ache and my heart pound. Thinking about groceries, toilet paper, toothpaste, and Band-Aids. Thinking about how to take care of my mom. How do I love well? Trust again? How do I let go of fear when sometimes it’s so physically overwhelming I can barely breathe? How do I let myself be loved? How do I make friends when I barely have time for my children? How do I mourn the changes that have happened with friendships I thought would never change? How? How do I get in a better place? How do I deal with the guilt of decisions I thought were good, but haven’t had the desired effect? How do I fix the mess? Lesson plans, class management, expectations, assessments, communication, and time management Each one with unique needs, concerns, hopes, dreams, struggles, decisions, issues. All the little things and all the big things. I feel like there is just so much to do and think about and I feel like I can’t do it all…all the thinking. Am I going crazy? I’m not saying that to be silly, I’m truly sharing a fear…another fear. Most of the time, in the morning everything feels a little less daunting. This past month these episodes of over-fearful-thinking have happened a fair amount. Something can’t be fixed if I don’t acknowledge it, right? I feel like I might have to feel this to deal with this to overcome this. ![]() ![]() And in some weird way I don’t think I want to go downstairs and watch TV and pretend that I’m not afraid. But I’m tired…bone-weary, aching joints tired. Fear that makes me want to crawl out of my skin.Īnd if I weren’t so tired I’d just get up and do something…anything to take my mind off of my fear…off of my thoughts. Sometimes that thinking turns into panicking. I find myself tossing and turning and thinking. I’m so dang tired that I gotta at least try to sleep.įalling asleep. In fact I’d say that sleeplessness has become the defining feature of my nights, so much so that I almost dread putting my head down on my pillows…almost. Sleeping has become a bit problematic for me lately.
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